Dear Amy: My husband and I got married in our mid-40s, approximately two years ago.
I realize that this seems ungrateful (and I realize we are in terrible economic times), but I feel the ring I received was too small and inappropriate for our incomes and ages.
My husband and I are both educated, have good jobs and are frugal. I know that he was able to afford a nicer wedding/engagement ring.
My husband buys and continues to buy the best for himself but spent very little on a wedding ring I wear every day.
My friends and co-workers regularly show off their diamonds, and I hear comments on their beauty.
There has never been a comment made about my diamond, even at our wedding! I have tried discussing my feelings with him, but he gets angry and walks away.
He tells me, “You work — buy your own ring.”
I can buy my own ring, but it doesn’t seem right. He tells me he will not buy another ring.
Please tell me if I have a legitimate complaint or if I’m just ungrateful and should keep my mouth shut. — Ungrateful?
Dear Ungrateful?: I can’t tell you to keep your mouth shut, because you’ve already opened it. Too bad.
You admit to being ungrateful, and so the solution to this problem is in how you cop to your ingratitude and present the issue.
You could try saying, “Honey, I love you, and I love being married. This is a sweet ring, but I’d like something … blingier. If I found another ring, would you consider going in with me to buy it?”
After you ask the question, you should shut the heck up and listen to him.
If your husband responds by saying, “You work — buy your own ring,” what he’s probably really trying to express is his disappointment that you don’t value this symbolic gift from him.
You should assume he is taking your dissatisfaction personally. Realize this, and apologize.
If you make enough money, you should be able to blow it wherever you’d like. But don’t expect your husband to feel good about it.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have two adult children. Both have been living on their own for some time.
My husband’s brother is unmarried with no children. Both brothers have equal financial status.
Every Christmas, my mother-in-law gives my husband, our two children and me a gift of $250 each.
However, she gives her unmarried son a gift of $1,000.
Yes, this is very generous to all, but my husband feels it is unfair to him as he is being financially “penalized” for having a family.
Thoughts? — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: Your mother-in-law is giving each of her sons the same amount of money — $1,000 per family. You and your husband aren’t being penalized for having children — you are being rewarded for being your husband’s wife, and your children are being rewarded for being on the planet.
This gift appropriation seems fair to me.
Dear Amy: This is in response to “Online Widower,” whose wife stayed up until all hours on the computer.
My wife (who is now my ex) did the same thing.
She completely blocked her family and stayed up past 3 a.m. chatting online. She stopped working, paying bills, cooking or taking care of the children. I found out that she was chatting with a guy from another state.
That was the end of our 28 years of marriage. When someone stays up late after everyone goes to bed, that should be a red flag. — Been There in N.C.
Dear Been There: “Online Widower” spent his evenings sitting alone in the living room, waiting for his wife to pay attention to him.
I agree with you that he should assume his relationship is in trouble and try his hardest to get to the bottom of it.
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