Dear Amy: My husband and I have a 29-year-old daughter who has been in and out of drug treatment centers for four years. We are estranged.
She has a young daughter and a soon-to-be ex-husband who is also a user. They lost custody of our granddaughter due to their neglect and endangering her welfare.
Thankfully our granddaughter is in good hands with her other grandmother.
They all live several hundred miles away from us.
Recently, our daughter moved back to our area. She has several charges against her in her previous area and she has court dates that, it appears, she has no intention of attending.
She has used us, and others, over the years and said and done, quite frankly, unforgivable things to my husband and me.
We are afraid of her showing up on our doorstep, once again creating drama, havoc and chaos in our lives.
Everything we have learned through Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, books, counseling and attending her parents’ weekends in rehab has us believing we should turn her away and tell her we cannot have a relationship until she is truly in recovery and working her program.
What do you think? We just need one more source to confirm we are on the right course. — At Wits’ End
Dear End: Your anguish about this underscores how very challenging it is to maintain a “tough love” attitude toward family members.
Your burden is to attain and maintain a loving detachment toward your daughter, understanding that while your attitude may not have any immediate or demonstrable effect on her, enabling her will undermine and contribute to her addiction.
Any action you take should be confined to prompting her toward rehab. Continue to attend support groups and learn from professionals and other parents.
Dear Amy: My husband and I travel more than 1,000 miles to visit his mom in Florida every year for the holidays. We have two children (ages 2 and 4).
The problem is, my mother-in-law has a swimming pool in her backyard that does not have a fence around it! I don’t expect her to pay thousands of dollars to get a fence put up just for our month-long visit — but this is an issue every year!
My husband doesn’t think it’s a problem because we keep a close eye on our kids, but it only takes one time for them to get into the backyard for a horrific accident to happen.
I don’t want to let the kids out of my sight, and so I spend the entire vacation on edge. Please don’t suggest that we don’t go or that we stay in a hotel.
His mom is older and can’t come and visit us. — Worried Mom
Dear Mom: This is nerve-racking — and the issue of pool safety rises to the level of nerve-shredding.
In some Sun Belt states, swimming-pool accidents are the leading cause of death in children under 5.
I urge you and your husband to research the cost of fencing in the pool. Spread over the next 10 years or so, this could be a brilliant (and affordable) investment.
You all must be constantly vigilant. Install a lock high up and a portable alarm on any door leading to the outside and make sure every single adult complies with locking the doors and watching both children constantly.
Dear Amy: “Disgusted” wrote to you about her husband and kids treating her like a maid. She should do what I wish I had done 47 years ago: Leave the dirty dishes and all the mess in the kitchen for them to wake up to the next morning.
Ignore all of them, go to bed and read a book. The next morning get up early, leave the house, eat breakfast out and find yourself a job.
I wish I had done that. — Been There
Dear Been There: Sometimes, the maid has to go on strike to prove her worth.
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