If I were to submit my 16-week-old puppy to an IQ test, I’m pretty sure this is how it would turn out.
Question 1: Your owner screams “No!” whenever you squat and urinate on the carpet. He picks you up in midstream and races out the door with you. When you recover from the trauma of it all and squat in the grass, he praises you and gives you a treat. He takes you for long walks, the whole point of which seems to be for you to squat in the grass. What can you conclude from this bizarre behavior?
Puppy:He wants me to pee on the carpet.
Question 2: Your owner was eating delicious salty things from a bag when the phone rang. He left the bag on the couch. What should you do?
Puppy: Eat everything in the bag, and then eat the bag. Wait until he’s back and looking under the couch cushions and just starting to get suspicious before throwing up on the carpet.
Question 3: Your owner says he’s just going to the mailbox for a moment and will be right back. It appears you’re going to be alone in the house for less than two minutes. What should you do?
Puppy: Chew and swallow the last two pages of the mystery novel he is reading. Wait until he’s to that point in the book before throwing up on the carpet.
Question 4: How often should you bark for no apparent reason?
Puppy: It depends when you’re talking about. If it is night and my owner is asleep, every 15 minutes is appropriate. During the day, random barking is not necessary because he doesn’t sleep during the day.
Question 5: While on a walk, you come across, in this order, the following items: a cigarette butt, a half-eaten hot dog and a really disgusting small black thing about the size of an almond. What should you do with these items?
Puppy: Cigarette butt: eat it. Hotdog: eat it. The really disgusting black thing: eat it. Wait until we’re back home on the carpet before throwing up.
Question 6: You’re at the park, running off leash. Your owner calls you. What should you do?
Puppy: Go to him immediately! Unless there is someone nearby you haven’t met, then go to that person immediately! Unless there is a dog nearby, then go to the dog immediately! Or, attack a dandelion immediately! Or run in the opposite direction immediately! Just don’t ever do the same thing twice — we don’t want to encourage him to do a bunch of “training.”
Question 7: Identify the function of each of these items: Shoes. Socks. Electrical cord. Your owner’s nose.
Puppy: Chew toy. Chew toy. Chew toy. Chew toy.
Question 8: Your owner has just thrown a ball about a dozen yards away and is now saying: “Get the ball! Get the ball!” What does he want you to do, and what will happen when you do it?
Puppy: He wants me to watch him get the ball. When he gets the ball, he will throw it again and say, “Get the ball!” again. He’ll repeat the process until he gets bored, and then we’ll go inside so I can pee on the carpet.
Question 9: Your owner just brought in a box of expensive dog toys. There’s a big rat with a squeaker in it, a tennis ball with a squeaker in it and a dragon with a squeaker in it. What should you play with?
Puppy: The box.
Question 10: What is the one thing your owner is doing a lot more now that you live in the house with him?
Puppy: Using the carpet cleaner.
Question 11: Your owner seems to be having a bad day. His mood is gloomy, and his back is bothering him. What should you do?
Puppy: I should run to him and play with him. His mood will get better immediately, and before long he will have forgotten all of his problems and will be rolling around on the floor with me, laughing.
It’s the whole purpose of a puppy.
Contact W. Bruce Cameron at . For his previous columns visit brucecameron
