Dear Amy: I have an almost-15- year-old daughtert hat’s scary in itself, right?
I understand that teenagers need to become independent and don’t want their parents in their lives (unless it’s to buy them something or take them somewhere), but how do I stop feeling so trampled on and distant from my daughter?
She does OK in school, is “popular” (or at least has friends) and has a boyfriend.
I’m just so sad that my only daughter seems to be pulling away from me, and the more I try to engage her or bring her back, the more she says it’s better not to talk about our distance because “all we do is argue.”
My husband is very supportive of me, and he feels frustrated, too, but we have no real answers.
What can you tell me? — Wondering Mom
Dear Mom: Teenage girls sometimes act like despots of the household, and their moods rise and fall according to myriad conditions — many of which you will never know about.
But they still need — and must have — limits, boundaries and consequences.
Everyone wants to feel “heard.” And teenagers respond well when adults listen with interest and don’t comment or offer advice or suggestions.
Ask your daughter her opinion about things — whether it’s an issue in home room or an event in the wider world. And even if she doesn’t answer or is snide or rolls her eyes and walks away, she will remember being asked, and she may come to you two hours later with an answer.
You cannot be your daughter’s best friend right now. But you can — and should — be her mother.
No matter what she is going through, she should never “trample” you or your husband.
You may feel ignored or taken advantage of, but you will have to learn to overlook some of the obnoxiousness, focus on the positive stuff, pick your battles with great care and lay down reasonable consequences when she is disrespectful.
You can say to yourself (and to her), “Well, I was a teenage girl once too. And sometimes you just have to put up with your parents.”
The boyfriend issue gives me pause. If your daughter is dating, this boy should be a regular presence at your dinner table.
I highly recommend the book “Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager,” by Anthony Wolf (2002, Farrar, Straus and Giroux).
Dear Amy: My cousin has cheated on her last two boyfriends.
The boyfriends didn’t know, but our entire family did (we are very close).
She claimed to be in love with her boyfriends and promised me several times she would stop cheating — only to cheat again.
Well, now she is engaged.
This time, I thought the cheating would stop.
But then I learned she was trying to cheat again!
She doesn’t even talk to me about this anymore because I’ve come down hard on her. Many others have spoken to her about how wrong this is.
She promises she will stop.
I look at her fiance and think, “What a clueless fool.” The unspoken family code forbids me to say something to him.
What should I do? — Concerned Cousin
Dear Cousin: You say you have already dressed down your cousin for her compulsive infidelity, but you could take on this issue again by saying, “I think you have a real problem. You don’t seem able to stay faithful to one man. Now that you’re planning to get married, you have to tell him about your past — and your problem — before he finds out from someone else.”
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