Dear Amy: I am a newlywed. How should I handle running into my husband’s two ex-girlfriends?
Both of these women affected my husband’s life very negatively, but no matter how much time goes by, he says they still keep e-mailing him as though nothing bad ever happened. One e-mailed him while we were on our honeymoon.
My husband tells me about the e-mails, and then he usually deletes them.
These women live nearby. I can’t shake the feeling that they will cross our path.
I can’t imagine showing courtesy to people who have shown my husband no such consideration.
I have no desire to be rude, but I’m not interested in being polite, either.
What do you suggest? — New to “Newlywed Game”
Dear New: Of course these ex-girlfriends will cross your path. Ex-girlfriends cross your path until they tire of you.
The best rule for dealing with anyone you dread seeing is also the simplest.
Being polite — not dramatic, not sophomoric — will make the exes tire of you more quickly.
Also, your husband could shut this down very easily by not responding (even politely) to their e-mails.
Dear Amy: I was engaged to a woman who has a daughter who was 10 when we met.
Her daughter and I formed a close relationship, doing lots of things together. When her mother and I broke up, her mother asked that I not be in contact with her daughter. She was 15.
The mother thought her daughter would be better off if I disappeared cold turkey.
I abided with her judgment and request.
About 18 months later, I got an e-mail from the daughter who was now in high school.
She and I have since met for dinner once or twice a month. I pick her up outside her home so her mother won’t have to see me.
She has hinted that it was my idea to disappear from her life, and it really hurts that she thinks this.
Her mother and I have no contact, so I have no plans to ask her to set the record straight, but I’ve come very close to saying, “Ask your mother why we didn’t see each other those 18 months.”
Is this something that I’m just going to have to take the blame for?
Can the truth come out without causing major problems between mother and daughter?
How to start? — Not The Bad Guy
Dear Guy: I’m going to assume the girl’s mother knows about these meetings, but if you are meeting the girl on the sly, this is very unwise. This teenager should not be meeting with anyone without her mother’s knowledge.
As it is, you should have spoken with your ex — and urged the daughter to speak to her mother — from the first time she contacted you.
And you should have offered to mentor the girl through this tricky situation, no matter how difficult it would be for you.
You can tell her the truth: “Your mother and I thought it would be best for you if I just disappeared, and we both made a mistake.”
The girl is expressing her own emotional needs in the only way she knows how. But you are an adult, and you should handle this honestly.
Dear Amy: I’d like to respond to “Marsha,” who didn’t know what to do for a friend who is dying of cancer.
My brother recently died.
I was most grateful for two letters from friends that he had the chance to read before his death.
They reminded him of shared memories, highlighted his most special qualities and reiterated how much he meant to them. They said how much they loved him and how they would miss him. He shared them with me so proudly. — Another Reader
Dear Reader: This sort of warmth and affection can be expressed even at a distance. Thank you.
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