Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years. For the most part we have had a very happy and fulfilling relationship. I would attribute 75 percent of our problems and fights to her opinions or actions (no exaggeration!). I have always been the one to chase her and try to work things out.
She responds to our disagreements by running away, telling me to get over it or ignoring the situation. A few months ago while we were having a particularly tough time, I found myself questioning our relationship.I went online and posted two ads on a website asking if anyone was interested in getting together for drinks. I did not receive any real replies, nor did I respond to anyone. We worked out our issues and moved on. Then she found copies of the ads I had posted in my outbox. She was heartbroken and spent a week away from our apartment, didn’t return my calls and acted like I didn’t exist. Two months later we have continued with our lives, but she continuously brings this up. She claims that I don’t love her and that I will eventually leave her.
I know I was wrong and I admitted it right away, but it continues to be an issue. The resentment is unbearable. She has hurt me in the past but after a couple of heated arguments I forgave her.
I have never been unfaithful nor so much as touched another woman in our seven years together. When I ask for her to forgive me, am I asking for too much, too fast? – Baffled
Dear Baffled: It is hard to defend your girlfriend’s actions, except to note that in your world, most things that go wrong are her fault — and you get to decide when and how to “get over” something.
Rather than insist that she recover, forgive you and move on, you should switch things up by asking her to tell you — again — exactly how she feels. Let her express everything. Acknowledge her feelings as being valid and apologize for causing her pain.
Regardless of her behavior in the past, what you did was wrong. Own it and ask for her forgiveness.
If she truly forgives you, she does not get to continue to beat you up about this.
Once you have behaved maturely, you should also let her know that the next time she runs off rather than face a problem, you will not chase her.
Dear Amy: People who worry about marrying someone with an extreme age disparity should know my story. I married a man my age when we were in our 20s. I spent my early 50s being his caregiver when he developed Alzheimer’s.
People can have disabling conditions at any age, so marrying someone your own age (or younger!) is no guarantee. Love is a rare gift, and a large age difference doesn’t have to be a reason to let it go. – Well Matched
Dear Well-matched: Love is a rare gift, indeed. You were both lucky to have found it.
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