Dear Amy: I am a recent newlywed. A couple of months ago my husband revealed to me that back while we were dating he was unfaithful to me with an ex-girlfriend. He said that over the last two years of our dating, engagement and then a couple of months into our marriage they had been speaking, intimately at times.
He says he stayed in contact so she wouldn’t reveal what happened. As soon as we married, she lost it and threatened him so he came out and told me what happened.
I was devastated. I felt it was so unfair that he waited until after we were married to tell me about this. We started counseling and are making efforts to rebuild our trust, but I feel like I’m in an eternal pit.
I forgave him but I haven’t forgotten, and she has sent him a couple of e-mails since, saying she still loves him. This leaves me paranoid and stressed.
He says he doesn’t communicate with her. If she tries to contact him, he lets me intercept e-mails and text messages.
I feel so guarded. I’m resentful and embarrassed. I find it hard to engage sexually with him. I don’t know if I need time to heal or if I really need to leave this marriage. Should I try to go away somewhere to get my heart right — or should I leave?
I worry my anger is getting the best of me. Should I fight for my marriage and stick it out? — Brokenhearted Bride
Dear BB: You should fight for your marriage. So should your husband.
So far he is following the basic protocol for someone who is trying to rebuild trust. But what about you? You should give yourself more time to work this through — with him and also without him.
In addition to your counseling, you should pursue the idea of a guided solo healing/spiritual retreat of a few days duration. This might give you some additional perspective. You will learn that trust is a choice. Your husband should continue to earn it, but you will reach a point where you will have to make a choice.
As you are seeing, marriage without trust is a cracked vessel. But it can be mended.
Dear Amy: I am 25 and graduated from college 21/2 years ago. I spent one year working in my field of study (teaching) and was then laid off due to budget cuts. I know this is common — especially right now.
My current job isn’t permanent. I’m OK with this and am not completely without direction; it’s just that my plans are fluid. I still live in my little university town — because I love it — and I interact with a lot of students.
As I meet new people, they inevitably ask if I’ve graduated. They ask whether I am using my degree. When I say I am not, I get looks that say, “Wow. Why did you pay for a college education?”
If I don’t answer I feel as if they’re walking away thinking I’m completely without direction.
Can you help me respond to these queries? — Not Without Direction
Dear Not: You are using your degree. You’re educated, and your education is now a part of who you are.
In this context, I like the old John Wayne dictum: “Never apologize; never explain.” Stand tall. Don’t try to interpret the looks on people’s faces.
And when people ask you what you do — say “I’m a blogger.” No one quite knows what to make of that.
Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
