Dear Amy: I decided not to change my name when I got married recently.
I find it ridiculous that I am expected to jump through bureaucratic hoops to change my name and identity.
My husband, thank goodness, loves my independent streak, so it hasn’t been an issue between us.
I explained that my decision was based on my career and not wanting to damage the brand I had created around my name after a decade in my small, niche industry.
Much to my surprise, all of the men in my office (I work with only men) are doing everything possible to sabotage my decision.
They introduce me in meetings with my “new” name and even went to the point of getting IT to change my email address and sending it out to all our contacts as my “updated contact information.”
Despite this, my office mates continue to address all of my correspondence and introduce me to clients and new employees using my husband’s name.
I’ve politely informed them multiple times that I’m not changing my name, but they are “concerned” it is insulting my husband.
Any ideas for what to say? — Shocked
Dear Shocked: The behavior as you describe it is hazing, bullying, unethical, unprofessional and, because it is gender-based harassment, also illegal. Consult with a lawyer.
You should write a memo to your colleagues, saying, “Despite my repeated requests to be known by my legal name in this office, various colleagues have changed my e-mail address without permission and introduced me by the wrong name in written and oral communication with clients. This needs to stop.” Document everything.
Save your politeness for your clients, who deserve better than to be deliberately confused.
Dear Amy: I am married and in love with another woman.
We have been in long-term marriages that have grown distant through the years.
We both have adolescent kids and are sensitive to how a divorce might affect them.
We each married with the intent of a lifelong commitment, but after 20-plus years we both realized we had found someone we truly loved.
This is no quick fling. I have known this lady for 25 years, and we have been seeing each other for 14.
We want to spend the rest of our lives together.
There is no exit-strategy handbook for people who truly care about the effects of a decision to leave their spouses and children.
When is it the right time to exit an unfulfilling marriage, and how do you do so to minimize the pain and anger? — Sad Dad
Dear Dad: Let me review your math with you. You say you each gave your marriages 20-plus years, and yet you also say you have been seeing each other for 14 years. So I would argue that if there were a third person in your marriage for more than half of its life, you haven’t really given it your all.
You can try to minimize the impact by seeing a counselor with your wife to face this exit with professional coaching and mediation.
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