As we approach Mother’s Day, perhaps it would be helpful for you to look at how you feel about the job you have done as a mother. Many of the following questions were adapted from Michael Gurian in his book “Mothers, Sons and Lovers,” and from Lorie Dwinell and Ruth Baetz in “We Did the Best We Could.”
Ask yourself:
How did you feel about yourself as a woman before you had children? After you had children?
What were you taught that your duties were as a woman? As a mom? Who taught you?
How did you feel about the child’s father? How did those feelings effect the way you treated the children?
What would you say are the characteristics of a good mother? Did you possess these characteristics?
What expectations did you have of your child/children as they were growing up?
In what ways did you try to get them to fulfill your own unmet dreams, an unhappy marriage, aborted career plans or other problems/disappointments? What shortcomings of yours did you hope they would fill?
Was there enough time and attention for each of your children? Did you protect them adequately? What did you do when your child asked for help? Had an illness, addiction or disability?
Put the child’s name next to the role you hoped that child would play: a sibling; a playmate; a friend; a parent; a cuddly teddy bear; someone who would know that you are the powerful one this time; an outlet for your anger/revenge; your protector; someone who was successful or competent where you were not; your spokesperson or ally in a conflict with your spouse; or someone who would be like you and agree with you.
How did you help them to separate from you? How did you cling to them and not let go?
How did your attitude toward yourself affect the way you treated your children?
Did you like being a mother? What was enjoyable about it? What was not enjoyable?
What did it feel like when your children left home?
What most angered you about each child? What gave you the most pleasure?
List the things that your children have said that they didn’t like about your parenting.
In which ways are you proud of your children?
Do you feel accepted by your child/children now? What is unfinished between you and your children now?
What did you give to your children that is uniquely you? How were you a healthy, positive parent?
If you could do things over again, what would you have changed?
Finish this sentence: “The single most important thing I could say to each of my children is …”
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and author of “Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Keeping the Flame Alive.” 303-758-8777, or . He can’t answer individual queries.
