Dear Eric: I was recently on a lovely group nature walk with a friend, who I hoped to become something more with. The exercise and environment were romantic; the conversation was good and that continued for about three quarters of the walk.
Then, a man joined us on a break and started talking … and talking and talking. If I tried providing minimal responses or no follow-up questions, he just glommed onto my date and peppered them with questions and commentary nonstop. Sensing that this was making the tired-of-talking date uncomfortable, I jumped back in to divert the attention away from them.
To be honest, I was getting frustrated because I ended up feeling like I was going on a date with this random guy from all the talking we were doing, instead of the person I actually came with and wanted to be on a date with!
The friend did end up becoming more and we started dating shortly thereafter and they thanked me for intercepting the conversation from the stranger that night.
All that being said, we’d like to go on the nature walk again and aren’t sure what to do if we run into that guy again. He was actually a guide for the walk. Some talking is OK, but we’re also there to enjoy nature in quiet and each other’s company. What can we say without being overly rude and still recognizing the value of human connection with strangers?
— “Wood” Rather Talk Less
Dear Talk Less: First of all, I enjoyed your high quali-tree play on words. Now, to the problem at land. The nature guide may see being extremely conversational as part of his job and he may have misread your minimal engagement as a need to draw you out more. I feel bad for any introvert that goes on this walk. Itap perfectly normal to be disinclined to chitchat with a stranger. However, in this case, you may need to be clear about what you’d like.
There’s a way to do this without being rude. You can speak with him before the hike begins and let him know how you were hoping to participate. You might even acknowledge that you came on the hike before and enjoyed parts of it. Tell him that you and your date would like to focus on quiet enjoyment of the natural world this time. Assure him that this doesn’t mean you’re not getting something meaningful out of it.
Now, hopefully he’ll be able to respect that and will strike up conversations elsewhere. But if that doesn’t happen, you may need to find another group nature walk.
Dear Eric: My grandparents spend the winter in Florida every year, traveling down from Michigan. They are very determined to drive themselves I think because it gives them a sense of freedom. However, my family and I are becoming very concerned that they might get in an accident on the way. They are really stubborn and don’t have much money to pay for flights and refuse our offers to help them out with the cost of a flight. Any advice?
— Concerned
Dear Concerned: Itap important to distinguish between a concern thatap rooted in impairment or a loss of skill, versus a concern that has more to do with your grandparentap age. I can’t tell from your letter whether you’re aware of incidents or behaviors that suggest your grandparents aren’t safe behind the wheel anymore or whether you’re mostly thinking about how long the drive is and how taxing it would be.
Both are fair concerns — driving from Michigan to Florida would be a challenge for anyone. But if your grandparents can still safely drive, itap important to not undermine their autonomy. (If they do have diminished capacity, thatap a different story. Itap then important to have a serious conversation with them about the danger they pose to themselves and others. If they are still insistent, you can contact their local DMV to report an unsafe driver.)
Presuming they are still safe to drive, talk to them about your worries using “I” statements and try to be specific. Are you afraid they’ll get into an accident because the drive will make them tired? If so, talk about that and ask them to help assuage your fears by explaining their practices for taking breaks, switching drivers and stopping along the way. A solution may be as simple as adding a day on to the journey and shortening their driving days. If thatap the case, you and your family might be able to help by footing the bill for an additional hotel somewhere along the way, or even a sightseeing diversion to keep things interesting as they make their way down to Florida. They may be stubborn or they may have well-founded confidence. A conversation can clarify.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
