Dear Eric: My family has always left shoes at the door, except for occasional circumstances like parties, et cetera. Those who prefer wearing shoes, have shoes that they only wear indoors.
My significant other does not really understand this concept. He makes numerous trips to the garage and outdoors and wears those gritty shoes in the house. I tend to go barefoot often, and I can feel the grit on the hardwood floors, even when I vacuum them often.
Am I being unreasonable?
— Shoes Off
Dear Shoes Off: Nope. But it seems you’ve decided that you have a shoes-off house and your significant other may not have signed up for that. So, it may be helpful to agree to disagree and go back to having a basic conversation about how you can live together.
You both know where the other person is coming from, which is good — even if he doesn’t understand the concept. Now, for a moment, wipe the slate clean and talk about how you want to do things here and now. This may make for a more productive conversation because itap less about how you’ve always done things and more about the household you’re building together.
Start simple: you are barefoot a lot, and you don’t like to feel outside grit inside. Present it simply and ask him, what can we do so that both of us are comfortable? It may be as simple as him getting in the habit of switching to house shoes, him taking on more of the vacuuming and mopping, or him depositing his outdoor shoes in a vestibule. He, in turn, may have a request for you. Maybe he’ll suggest that you wear house shoes instead of being barefoot, which would at least keep the grit away from your feet.
As with every part of a relationship, this situation is about give and take. No one is right or wrong, per se. Itap just about coming to an agreement about how you want to live together.
Dear Eric: My mom has always suffered from mental health challenges. She’s coped in life by using other people to take care of her in many different ways. She was unavailable to parent me other than meeting basic physical needs.
She was never abusive, but she never helped me grow into a functional adult. I spent my early and mid-adulthood doing that for myself, with a lot of therapy and my own destructive path to account for.
I’m in a good place now, in my mid-60s, though I have my own mental health challenges. My mom is in her late 80s and overwhelmed by trying to care for herself.
She refuses assisted living. She has a good income from a pension that will last her entire life, but her poor spending habits have left her in a precarious financial position. I won’t spend my own limited savings to bail her out. I don’t want to resolve anything with her anymore; I want to limit my involvement with her as much as possible.
I assist her in making choices about how she can arrange care for herself, but I no longer offer to be involved in her care. I’m considering asking for an evaluation to have her be appointed a guardian by the court, although I think she would be judged capable of making her own care decisions.
I know that I have to prioritize my own well-being, and I also know that I’m failing her. Itap an impossible place to be. Wondering if you have any comments.
— Difficult Position
Dear Position: It sounds like you’re doing the hard but necessary work of holding a boundary to protect yourself. To not do so would risk both of you being overwhelmed, possibly to the detriment of your mother’s care and your own mental well-being.
It also sounds like, given your history, you may not be the best person to assist in some cases. You may want to intercede, despite the trauma you’ve experienced, but it may be better for your mother if you let professionals who don’t have as much emotional entanglement step in.
Have a conversation with her about the needs she’s expressing or that you’re seeing, and guide her to others who can assist, whether thatap a senior manager, a social worker, an in-home aide, or someone else. Your local department of aging will have resources; her doctor may as well.
Itap key that you’re honest with her — “This is more than I can handle. We have to acknowledge the reality of whatap needed. What do you want to do?” If she can be an active participant in her own decision-making, she should be. This may go against her nature, but thatap not a problem you can or should solve. Help is available; she has to want it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
