Dear Eric: I grew up in a silent household. I was a shamed, rejected kid and learned not to speak. One sister was the beautiful favorite. My brother and I were shamed, and we feared our father.
Our divorced mom apparently stole and kept some of my childhood journals. She put them in her desk. When we cleared out mom’s home after she died, the beautiful, cherished sister took the desk. I have been told that my journals have been great entertainment for my sister, her kids and for my now-deceased dad’s widow.
I can’t even remember what I wrote.
I know I did not learn to be comfortable speaking to people until someone in college pointed out that I never spoke. I started copying others who had better social skills. I learned social skills that way.
I want the journals back, but is it too late? I feel ashamed to even ask. I am embarrassed that I am the family joke. I know when I ask it will cause my sister to laugh out loud.
Also, I loved my deceased mom, and I am angry that she stole my journals. It kind of ruined my love for the only person who showed love for me. She set me up to be the family joke.
I’m thinking about asking for my journals back, but I feel so ashamed. Should I? It’s too late now, right?
— Embarrassed Adult Child
Dear Adult Child: It is not too late to ask for them back. They are yours — your journals, your feelings, your experiences. No one should have taken them, and no one should be reading them without your permission. I’m sorry that you experienced this breach of trust by multiple members of your family. It isn’t right.
As soon as you feel able, you should ask for your journals back from your sister. You don’t need to debate it or give an explanation about why you want them. Your mother didn’t give them to your sister so when your sister discovered them, she should have sent them back right away.
Itap up to you whether you want to re-read them at all, but if you choose to do so, you may want to mentally prepare yourself and try to extend kindness and love to the version of yourself who wrote them. Try not to view what you recorded in them through the lens of shame. Don’t think about what your sister may have thought or said when she read them. What she thinks about your journal entries does not matter.
Indeed, if there is any shame here, she should feel it. If she did read and share your private entries, it shows a profound lack of character. When an adult mocks the thoughts and emotions of a child in this way, it shows that the adult is missing something or feeling a deficiency in some way. Itap not a reflection of you. You have nothing of which to be ashamed.
Dear Eric: I have a relative whose son graduated recently. My brother and I were invited to the graduation and then to dinner afterwards. The graduate suddenly got sick and didn’t want to go.
He eventually ended up going to his graduation. I was told that his celebration dinner would be at a later time. Itap been almost three weeks, and no date has been set as of yet. I am beginning to wonder if they had it without my brother and me. I was wondering if this is the right way to act. Is it somehow rude to invite someone to something and then cancel and say we will reschedule the dinner without saying anything?
— Uninvited Family
Dear Uninvited: While the scenario you describe is certainly possible, it doesn’t seem like the most likely. Planning a celebratory dinner, especially with extended family, might pose a logistical challenge. Or the family might have simply gotten waylaid by other plans. The simplest way to ease your mind is to reach out and ask about the alternate date and reaffirm your interest in joining, if you are still interested in joining.
If you have reason to believe that this family might have purposefully excluded you — like, for instance, a past pattern of behavior — it might be a good idea to address the root issue first. Are you sensing a conflict with these relatives? Do you feel their invitations are begrudgingly offered? Do you even want to attend their gatherings? This whole thing could be nothing, but if you aren’t feeling secure in the relationship you have with them, itap healthy to sort those feelings out for yourself and then talk it out with them. This way, the next time there’s a special occasion or an invitation, you’ll be sure that itap genuine.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
