Dear Amy: Please help me handle this like a sane woman. My husband and I have been married more than 25 years. We have two teens at home. We golf together, enjoy working in the yard and doing home projects. We also have our own hobbies.
About three months ago my husband said he wanted to get a motorcycle. I told him it was OK with me, though I would rather he buy something the family could enjoy.
I am petrified of riding it with him, though he says he wants to take me out when he feels more comfortable. I am worried about him getting hurt, and am distressed he’s taking time away from our family.
– Worried Wife
Dear Wife: Women don’t always understand the desire that many men have to suddenly live on the edge at midlife. But men who do this are experiencing an important passage, and it is your tough job to watch him become a thrill-seeker.
Welcome to the “Midlife Wives Club.” As hard as it is, step back and stop fighting. If your husband needs to spend a few hours a week feeling the wind ripple his golf shirt, let him. Negotiate so you both get what you need – but accept that he needs to do this now. Make him aware the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says, “Per vehicle mile, motorcyclists are about 32 times more likely than passenger car occupants to die in a traffic crash.”
A helpful book is “How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories From the Midlife Wives Club,” by Gay Courter and Pat Gaudette (Perigee Books, 2003). The authors are charter members of the “Midlife Wives Club.”
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Dear Amy: My little brother has a babysitter, “Carrie,” who drives him around and watches him every day when he gets home from third grade. I am a sophomore in high school and get home about a half-hour before my brother. Carrie comes about a half-hour after that.
Carrie only works from 4-6 every day. She works Monday through Friday. My mother is a single parent and she has a lot of financial problems. She pays Carrie every Friday, at which time Carrie tells her how many hours she worked that week.
Carrie knows that my mother does not check on what time she arrives, and so when she tells my mother that she has worked 20 hours, she has usually only worked half that.
Should I tell my mother Carrie is lying to her? I am worried that my mother is having financial problems partly because she is paying Carrie too much. I’m worried about our future.
– Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried: Talk to your mother. She might not realize how worried you are about her financial situation. Sometimes, we parents vent and complain to our kids – about our weight, social lives and money trouble – because you are our lifetime companions and we forget that sharing these worries can cause you pain. Your mom should be more careful about that.
You can start by asking your mother some questions. She and Carrie might have an arrangement you don’t know about. Financial matters might not be as bad as you think, and if that’s the case, your mom should ease your worries.
You could also offer to watch your brother after school.
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Dear Amy: I love your column, but you were off base in your answer to “Flower Girl Wannabe,” who is miffed because her daughter wasn’t chosen to be the flower girl in her niece’s wedding. The bride wants a relative’s baby do it.
It’s not her wedding! Let the happy couple do what they want, even if that means wearing hideous colors and chasing screaming toddlers up and down the aisle.
– Flower Power
Dear Flower Power: You’re right. The writer wondered why a couple would choose two babies to be flower girl and ring bearer. Perhaps they wanted to avoid all the other pint-size and adult hurt feelings. Whatever their reasons, it is their wedding.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
