Dear Amy: Twenty-six years ago, my husband and I adopted a beautiful baby girl. Three years ago, because of a glitch in the adoption registry in our state, the birth mother returned.
Though I have never met her, during many telephone conversations, she repeatedly told me that she just wanted to know that the baby she gave up had grown up happy and that she did not want to upset our family. It’s been anything but that! Our daughter refers to this relationship as “a burden” and to this woman as “psycho, crazy.” They meet every week or so for dinner, many times with unpleasant results.
Our daughter tells us that she feels this woman is so emotionally fragile that she cannot pull back for fear of the reactions and reprisals (obscene messages left on voice mail, etc.). We feel that what started out as a curiosity has turned into a very destructive relationship.
Now our daughter is contemplating getting married. All of a sudden, the birth mother wants a role in the wedding planning, choosing a dress, etc.
I am not willing to negotiate on this issue. My husband has told our daughter that the birth mother can be invited to the wedding as a guest – nothing more. Our daughter agrees but has yet had the courage to put this point across.
What should we do? The engagement is on the horizon and so are the storm clouds.
– JG
Dear JG: Obscene phone messages and emotional manipulations are abusive; if your daughter is truly fearful of what her birth mother will do, she should try to extricate herself from this relationship – or at least maintain very firm boundaries.
You want what’s best for your daughter but unfortunately you aren’t in the best position to play “bad cop” to her “good cop.” You could help her by finding a skilled counselor for her to speak with right away. She needs mentoring by an objective third party. Your daughter’s upcoming wedding provides an excellent reason to get this sorted out right now.
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Dear Amy: My boyfriend of one year believes there is nothing wrong with watching pornography. I am fully against the idea.
I understand it is considered “acceptable” because it is so popular among guys, but I cannot get through to him how against it I am – or influence him to stop. Perhaps it is because of my growing up in a conservative Catholic household. Nonetheless, I am repelled by pornography.
Lately he has been pushing me to join him. He thinks it will help our sex lives. Instead, it only leads to us fighting.
Am I being too uptight to not want to watch pornography? Am I taking it too far to want him to give it up as well?
– Torn Against Porn
Dear Torn: According to you, your boyfriend gets to dictate the values in your household.
His response to you being repelled by porn is to push you to watch it with him.
This sort of “aversion therapy” doesn’t sound effective, and it certainly isn’t respectful.
Pornography is only considered “acceptable” by the people who create and consume it.
Your boyfriend has the right to have the sex life he desires and to ask you to have it along with him. But it is your right – and your duty – to be true to your own values.
If asked to choose between your boyfriend and your values, you should choose your values.
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