Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for 10½ years.
She is on active duty in the Army, stationed in another state.
We have been separated by distance for 16 months, but we have had happy times and vacations during that time.
Over our entire marriage, she has been gone a total of 26 months on deployments and with military schools. When she deployed last year, our 10-year-old son and I moved back to our home state to live with my parents so we could concentrate on paying off our $70,000-plus debt.
She returned from her deployment and moved into her own apartment. Recently, she said she liked the “single” life and wanted to separate. We are coming up on an assignment change soon, and we decided to live together to pay down the bills.
The next day she said that I could move near her but that we should live in separate apartments. I can’t see how all of a sudden she decided that she can’t stand to be around me. She tells me she “hasn’t made her decision” on whether we will move.
I feel as if I am in limbo and can’t move forward without an answer from her. I can’t spend money to finish college, then pick up and move two weeks into the semester. Please help me understand what is going on.
– Dazed and Confused in N.C.
Dear Dazed: You mention that you have a son. I suggest that you shift focus and put his interests first. At 10 years old, he needs stability. Establishing a second household solely to be near his mother, who doesn’t sound available or committed to him, might not be best for him right now.
If his life with you and your parents seems stable and positive, with school and friends, then it would be best to stay where you are, finish college and be the best parent you can be while your wife works through her indecision.
You should seek financial and legal counsel to advise you about perhaps pursuing a legal separation. Right now, you and your wife could plunge your family into more debt, and she could pursue custody of your son. If she would see a mediator with you to discuss these issues, it would help both of you.
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