Dear Amy: My wife is one of 12 children, and all of her siblings and their spouses are wonderful people.
When my father-in-law died a few years ago, my mother-in-law decided to sell their house. Some of my sisters-in-law were adamant that their mother buy a condo so she could remain independent, but she said she didn’t want to live alone. Other siblings wanted some sort of senior housing for their mother.
After much debate, the condo option won, and they told their mother that someone would stay with her each night until she became acclimated. It’s almost five years later, and she still will not spend the night alone.
The siblings who live nearby sleep at her house Sunday through Thursday nights while the out-of-town siblings cover Friday and Saturday nights.The schedule is very disruptive and very difficult on the out-of-towners. The family is worn out and wants things to change, but no one will speak up.
Their mother is fairly healthy. She walks each day and still drives. Any suggestions? — Worn Out in New England
Dear Worn out: Fortunately your mother- in-law has a dozen children who think the world of her.
Your mother-in-law might do well with assisted living, or she might want to share an apartment with another senior. Unfortunately, she won’t be able to consider her options until her children do some research and present her with choices, including perhaps having their mother live with one of them if she is unable to live alone.
However, I wonder if her children might even be contributing to this pattern by not asking their mother to stretch a little and embrace what could be a more independent stage in her life — if only she didn’t have one of her grown kids underfoot each night.
Your mother’s local office on aging can help her explore what the next step might be. But first, the family must elect one or two members to speak with her to ask what she wants. You say that no one wants to speak up, but this is no time to be shy.
Dear Amy: We moved from Pittsburgh to the Chicago area almost five years ago because of my husband’s job. Our kids were 6 and 8. Since our move, we have gone “home” more than 15 times for celebrations on my husband’s side and to visit my mother, who has since passed away. We went through our fifth holiday season here with no sign of any visitors and minimal contact from my in-laws.
We have worked so hard to stay connected. We attend weddings, graduations and special events, but we never get any visitors here.
I’ve talked with other transplants that have had similar experiences. — Sad in Sycamore
Dear Sad: I am a transplant too, and it wasn’t until moving that I realized how vital these visits from friends and family are when you are raising children far from your hometown. I agree that your husband’s family is being insensitive not to recognize this.
You should make a special effort to invite your hometown family for a special visit — preferably in the summer when Chicago is so glorious. If the nieces and nephews are old enough, fly them out — as a gift to all of you.
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