Dear Amy: My partner and I (we’re both male) have a friend I’ll call “Steven.”
Steven is retired with a Ph.D., extremely intelligent, well informed on current events and has a lively sense of humor.
We enjoy having him over for dinner, watching movies or hanging out by the pool. However, his family is dwindling back East, and we’re pretty much his only friends out here (for reasons that will become clear), so on holidays and special events he has an expectation that we will include him.
Sadly, around most other people he can get very loud and even argumentative, and generally overwhelms people.
My partner and I can hold our own with him, but over the years he has managed to offend everyone we know.
Most of the offenses happened during a period when he was particularly out of control, going through wild real estate speculation, being swindled left and right and making plans to kill himself.
We were his anchors.
If we don’t include him in events or if we broach the topic of his social behavior, he treats it as a disaster and gets very melodramatic — in other words, he pulls out all the stops on us! I speculate that he fits the clinical criteria of a narcissist.
We are fond of him, and maybe mixed in there’s a bit of pity, and maybe having him around provides us with a flattering contrast? In any case, we’re in a bind when we contemplate hosting group events.
Your thoughts? — Flummoxed
Dear Flummoxed: Tolerating someone because he makes you look good by comparison might be part of the psychodynamic in your household. In essence, despite your words to the contrary, you don’t provide “Steven” with much motivation to change — because he’s got a role to play.
The best approach is to say, “Steven, we love you like a brother. But if you continue to drive off our other friends, we’re going to have to stop inviting you to group events.”
Give him one chance to be a decent guest and let him know that when it comes to your home, you will decide who to invite to the next event based on how the last event went for you and your guests.
If you are firm with him and deaf to the melodrama, he will either try very hard to make some adjustments, or he’ll be enjoying your company without other people present — which may, after all, suit him just fine.
Dear Amy: I know a woman “Marla,” who is an acquaintance. We have mutual friends and see each other at mutual friends’ parties and such.
She has a live-in boyfriend, “Byron.” They have two children together.
They look like a happy family, but I found out Byron has been cheating on Marla.
I don’t know her well enough to tell her myself, but if I tell one of her closer friends, she’ll probably want to know where the information came from. I also don’t want to break up a family, but if the situation were reversed and someone knew my husband was cheating on me, I’d want to know. I am thinking of sending her an anonymous note about it. Should I? — To Tell or Not
Dear Tell: If you are certain this is happening and also feel strongly that if you were in “Marla’s” shoes, you would want to know (not everyone feels this way), then you should tell her yourself.
Do not spread this news anywhere else.
This would be a challenging conversation to initiate, but you could start by saying, “This is really difficult, and I’m telling you this because if I were you, I would want to know what’s going on.”
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