Dear Amy: I am 20 years old and have a family dilemma.
I left my family home and moved across the country when I was 18.
I left primarily because of the emotional and physical abuse by my parents.
I was not allowed social interaction and was a slave to my family.
I had had enough and moved in with my boyfriend, who is now my fiance.
My family is very religious and does not approve of my lifestyle and choices.
I work full time, go to college (4.0 GPA so far!), pay my bills, rent and any other expenses.
Communication between my family and me has been rare, strained and painful.
My mother offered to pay for me to come visit for the holidays, under the stipulation that my fiance stay away.
They have told me they hate him and blame him for “stealing” me away.
What do I do?
Should I visit knowing that my family will pressure me to come back home or should I just show up on their doorstep with my fiance and see what happens? — Worried Daughter
Dear Worried: If you want to go home, you should pay for your own ticket, and if that means you and your fiance (if he wants to go) have to hop a Greyhound bus for the trip and find a place to stay, then that’s what you should do.
Otherwise, you should invite your mother to use the money she would have spent on your ticket to visit you.
Your burden now is to continue to grow up, do well in school and not let any one control you (this includes your fiance, by the way).
You are still very young — too young, I think, to cut yourself off from your family.
Dear Amy: For Christmas two years ago, I gave my parents a gift of a three-day trip to Mexico.
I gave them a price limit on what I could afford, and we agreed that they would pay for any additional costs.
Because my mom hasn’t traveled much, I wanted to keep it open ended.
They decided to postpone the trip so they could save for extra days on the beach.
Then the recession hit, and my parents were hit hard.
My dad asked to borrow money from me (I was happy to provide).
In the past two years, I have loaned them more than double what the trip was worth.
With Christmas around the corner, I was considering telling them that instead of the trip, their debt to me is wiped clean.
I know my dad would be thrilled, but I’m worried my mom will be upset.
I’d love to be able to give them a mini-vacation, but I’m pretty positive I will never see any of the money I loaned them over the years, and I just can’t afford to pay for their trip on top of what I have already given them.
Am I being selfish? — Loving Daughter
Dear Daughter: You are not being selfish; you are being generous.
It’s unfortunate that your folks didn’t use your gift to them in a timely fashion, but the pool of money is finite and you have used it for their benefit.
The economy has changed many things. Unfortunately, your folks won’t be able to take their vacation until their circumstances (or yours) change.
You should let them know that their vacation isn’t canceled — but postponed.
Dear Amy: You were right to advise “Confused Friend” to tell his buddy that the guy’s girlfriend hit on him.
I once brought a date to a party, after which a friend called me to say, “I don’t know how you’re going to take this, but last night your date slipped me her number.”
I thanked him for the courage to bring this to me knowing that it might hurt and then I sent her packin’.
He’s still a close friend; she’s so far out of my mind I’ve forgotten her name. — Pete
Dear Pete: In a similar circumstance, I would want to know.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
