Dear Amy: My three closest girlfriends and I have been friends for 30 years. One of our friends has a husband who is an alcoholic.
There have been a number of issues with him over the years (embarrassing outbursts, groping, name-calling, berating her children from her first marriage, verbally abusing her and us).
We have countless times encouraged her to seek counseling or see an attorney. She threatens to divorce him often but never follows through. This has gone on for years and years.
Finally, the three of us had enough and quit socializing with him. We told her that even though she has decided to put up with his behavior, we did not have to. She is now invited to our functions alone. She accepts this and comes alone sometimes and declines on other occasions.
Next month, she is having a graduation party for her daughter and has invited us. We have known this daughter all her life.
I told her that I felt it was hypocritical to attend a function at her (and his) home when he is not welcome in my home. I told her that everyone will feel incredibly uncomfortable. The two other friends are inclined to go for her daughter’s sake.
What is your opinion? — Flustered Friend
Dear Flustered: Just as your friend sometimes accepts and sometimes declines invitations, based on the situation, you should use your judgment about events she hosts.
I agree with your friends that you should consider attending this function to honor her daughter but strongly caution you three not to behave like a social monolith — but as caring individuals.
I applaud your limit-setting with your friend. However, she and her children are at risk of becoming isolated and marooned in a household that she doesn’t seem able or willing to break free from.
Demonstrate to this family your ability to make mature choices and behave well, even under challenging circumstances.
Dear Amy: A good friend of mine has fallen victim to an Internet affair. This man has convinced her that she should ruin her marriage and family life for the adventure. Although her husband is aware of it, he sits torn and broken waiting for the outcome.
Several of her friends have advised her to dump this Internet jerk. She has gone out and committed adultery with him. I know from experience that all marriages are not rosy but believe divorce should be the last resort.
Should I stay out of it and let her ruin her life and that of many others, or step up and tell her how stupid she is for falling prey to this?
— Sick
Dear Sick: I take issue with your characterization of your friend as a “victim.”
It is a trial to watch a close friend make a fool of herself — and destroy her household in the process — but just as she is making choices, you have choices to make too.
Tell your friend how her behavior affects you. Leave it to her husband and family to convey how her behavior affects them.
After you tell the truth, back off, don’t interfere and let this family work things through.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the letter from “Lovelorn,” who didn’t want to try Internet dating.
Online dating is extremely common now and proven to be extremely successful. With busy work schedules these days, it’s not always easy to find the time to attend social outings.
I tried online dating myself, and thanks to it, I’m now one year into being happily married, and my wife and I are expecting our first child. As they say, “Don’t bash it until you try it!” — Happily Matched
Dear Matched: The many responses to “Lovelorn” (and my own experience) show that online matching can work.
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