Dear Amy: Long ago, in another life, I was married (not too happily). We had a child. My ex and I divorced, and I remarried.
My ex never remarried and was always there for his child. Over the years we became friends, and he asked me to forgive him for the past. I told him that it was long ago and that he shouldn’t have any worries because all was forgiven.
Not too long ago (within the last month), my ex committed suicide. I’m having a hard time dealing with this.
There was no note – no good-byes – to our child. We have no explanation, nothing.
I talk to our child every day. I think that we are helping each other through this.
I’ve been happily married for 16 years, and we have a great life. I love my husband with all of my heart. But this thing with my ex is tearing me up.
What are your thoughts? Why, after all of these years, is this bugging me the way that it does?
– Torn
Dear Torn: Remember the line from the great John Donne meditation, “For Whom the Bell Tolls”: “Each man’s death diminishes me, for I am involved in mankind.” What this means to me is that every loss touches all of us.
To care about a man enough to marry him, have a child with him and then reconcile with him is to care a great deal. Of course his suicide would baffle and upset you. I would be surprised if it didn’t.
Suicide is a tragedy that spreads a stain over family and friends because of the life that has been taken and the many questions it raises.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has links to online and other support groups for those grieving after suicide (afsp.org). Communicating with other survivors will help you a great deal.
Please include your child in every step of this journey.
. . .
Dear Amy: I am responding to the letter from “Marie,” who was criticized by family members for wanting to place her autistic son in a supported group home.
My brother has autism and some other mental challenges.Five years ago, he moved into a group home. The home is staffed 24/7 to assist in all of the things that he can’t do for himself. There are three residents, helped by a staff of full- and part-time employees, including one who lives on-site.
When we visit his home, it is home. The family can visit any time and visits are encouraged. The staff is warm and friendly. I believe that my brother is happier now than ever before.
I also wanted to say thank you to the compassionate people who work with those with disabilities. They are awesome.
– Fan of Marie
Dear Fan: “Marie” has many fans who wrote to say that they applaud her family’s commitment to this young man.
Marie’s goal was to help her son attain a level of independence before she and her husband became unable to care for him. As I said to “Marie,” that is every loving parent’s goal.
. . .
Dear Amy: On the topic of gifts for children’s birthday parties, my sister-in-law had a great idea.
For her son’s fifth birthday, she invited all of the children to select a toy from their closets, wrap them up and bring them to a party.
The “birthday boy” got to select the first gift from the pile, and then all of the other children selected gifts for themselves. Old toys were given new life; there was no expense for the parents; and all of the children received presents.
It was a huge success!
– Erin in Portland, Ore.
Dear Erin: I’m happy that this method worked for this group of kids, but isn’t the idea of a birthday that the child whose birthday it is receives gifts while the other children enjoy generously giving, but not necessarily receiving?
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