Dear Amy: I am married to a terrific guy whom I love dearly. We have two teenage children. Recently I found out that my husband has been in touch with an old girlfriend from his high school days. This is someone he cared deeply for and I believe he would have married her, had they not broken up. My husband does not tell me when he speaks with her, and it bothers me terribly that he does not feel he can share this with me.
I have no problems with his keeping in touch with old friends and have offered to go out to dinner or to the movies with this old girlfriend and her husband several times, but my husband always declines.
Is this behavior something I should be concerned about or should I just let him go on keeping his secrets? Is it wrong for me to feel that he is betraying me? When I ask him about this he gets defensive and makes me feel as if I am in the wrong. – Sleepless Nights
Dear Sleepless: Your reaction to this secrecy is natural. Your husband’s defensiveness is also natural; he has been caught.
At middle age, many people start playing “what if” and are tempted to contact former loves. People who do this place other relationships at risk.
My favorite book about this is “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Free Press). I’m not trying to imply that your husband is being unfaithful, but Glass, a longtime marriage therapist and researcher, demonstrates how very destructive this sort of secrecy can be.
The healthiest marriages are those in which couples are trusting and transparent – and can admit to those thoughts and feelings that are difficult to own up to, such as the romantic restlessness of middle age.
This is the sort of issue that can be worked on and worked out with the help of a marriage counselor; if your husband won’t go, you should go on your own.
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Dear Amy: I have two children and am pregnant with our third child.
My husband and I struggled with infertility for many years; therefore, by the time this baby arrives, there will be nearly 10 years between my youngest and the new baby.
I have a very kind and generous family and friends whom I know will want to give gifts to us. Many of them will ask me what I need. While I still have the major items, such as a crib, stroller and high chair, I need a lot of little items.
Would it be considered tacky for me to register at a national discount department store for some of these little items? That way, I could easily refer relatives to a store or website. I wouldn’t want to do anything to offend my family or friends, and I don’t want to appear presumptuous or greedy. – Happy to Have
Dear Happy: Judging from my mailbag, you might be one of the few people on the planet who still worries about appearing presumptuous or greedy.
Go ahead and register. Then, people who choose to can enjoy going over your list and shopping for those items that they know you need and/or want.
The protocol on registries is that this information should only be given to people who inquire, “What can I get for you and the new baby?” You shouldn’t print this information on the birth announcement, for example.
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