Dear Amy: I am a 22-year-old college student finishing up my degree and living at home. My boyfriend is two years older than I, and he works full time.
Our plan has been to move in to an apartment because we spend so much time together (quite happily) and wish to be practical regarding rent.
It seems ridiculous for each of us to be spending more than $1,000 per month to live separately. I thought that we were doing the right thing, but my boyfriend’s father informed him that he and his wife do not approve of our living together for moral reasons.
Up until this point, I have had a wonderful relationship with his family, but now I am extremely uncomfortable.
Should I try to speak to them, or should I leave this for my boyfriend to negotiate? The last thing I want is to cause a rift between him and his family, but it just feels unfair.
My boyfriend still wishes to follow through with moving in together, but now I’m unsure if this is the right path to follow.
– New Yorker
Dear New Yorker: Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions, even when others disapprove of them. You aren’t necessarily causing a rift between your boyfriend and his parents – his choice to defy them is his own responsibility.
I’d like to weigh in, however.
Don’t move in with your guy – at least not yet. Despite what you seem to think right now, saving money simply isn’t a good enough reason to live with your boyfriend.
You’re 22. You would be moving from your family’s home straight into a live-in relationship. Maintaining your own household as an individual – outside of your romantic relationship – is vital to your development as a person.
I hope that you’ll rethink this plan and choose to set up house (perhaps with a roommate or two) for at least a year. You need a taste of adulthood outside of your romantic relationship. You have the rest of your life to cohabitate, if you choose to.
…
Dear Amy: My partner and I have been friends with a couple I’ll call “James” and “Brenda.” Apparently, last summer Brenda began an affair with another man, “Scott.” She has continued the affair and is now leaving James for Scott. I told her that I support her, but that I do not at all support what she is doing. I told her I feel sad and angry.
The problem is that Brenda keeps trying to make plans with my partner and me, including her new beau. We are appalled by what has happened and actually stand on her husband’s side. We would feel very uncomfortable going out with her new boyfriend at this point.
When she asks us to go out with them, I respond with questions inquiring how her husband is, but she has not taken the hint.
What should I do?
– Feeling Guilty
Dear Guilty: A woman in the throes of leaving her husband for her lover has lost the ability to take a hint. Don’t bother.
You have been honest with “Brenda” through much of this – you need to continue by saying the words out loud: “We’re not ready to spend time with you and Scott together. This situation has been hard on us, so you’re just going to have to give us more time to adjust.”
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