Dear Amy: I have been happily married to a wonderful man for two years.
Last night in conversation, I happened to find out that he had three affairs when he was with his previous wife. One involved an act with two men and a woman.
I am shocked and sickened by the news, and I am finding it hard to process. I do know intellectually that the affairs happened way before I came into the picture and reflected another time and circumstance not involving me, but I can’t help but feel different about his character.
– J
Dear J: Your husband is in a better position than I to help you process your shock and hurt – and you should insist that he do so.
You don’t mention what his reaction has been since you learned this, but each of us has to answer for – or at least explain – our actions.
You two might benefit from working this out with the guidance of a marriage counselor. I imagine that you have all sorts of questions about his sexuality, sexual behavior and sexual past. You should ask him anything you need to ask, and he should answer honestly.
You should also be tested for STDs. Your husband’s adventurous past might leave you with an unpleasant physical legacy.
…
Dear Amy: I read with interest the letter from “Anxiously Anticipating,” who complained that her husband had lost his job and that she was stressed as he worked nights while looking for a job during the day.
Welcome to a man’s world! The pressure of providing health insurance, dental coverage, sufficient grocery money and her occasional fun falls on many men’s shoulders.
This woman should rethink what right she has to be angry or resentful. Instead, she should even accept some more responsibility herself.
Why can’t she get a better job, work a second job or find ways to reduce their expenses? Marriage is a partnership, not an entitlement program, and this woman needs to grow up.
– Been There
Dear Been There: “Anxiously Anticipating” wasn’t grousing about her husband’s efforts; she was expressing the depression, mental exhaustion and ennui that accompany a major life change brought on by sudden unemployment.
In that regard, I urged her to “prop up” her husband, spend time together doing enjoyable and inexpensive things and have faith that they would ride out this rough patch.
Yes, if the household can’t survive economically, then the wife should take a second job, if necessary.
…
Dear Amy: The letter in your column from a “naturist” who wanted his wife to join in was a blast from the past! My ex-husband could have written that letter. He liked to go unclothed at home, which did not bother me, but he wanted me to be an exhibitionist in public. Then he got the big idea of becoming a nudist, or “naturist.”
I went to their get-acquainted (clothed) meeting, but there was no way I was going to their nudist camp. Their big theme was that it’s not a big deal, that every body has imperfections and it’s good to get over your preoccupation with your personal imperfections.
I could also tell from one look around the room that there would likely be few women, and that among the women, I would stand out. And yet, my husband was all for it. He was really interested in pressuring me to go to that camp.
He turned out to have other inclinations, some of which had to do with, uh, sharing.
So, when I saw the Naked Guy’s letter, I really wanted to tell his wife to run!
– Valerie
Dear Valerie: “Naturist” wanted his wife to change; she wasn’t so inclined. Perhaps running is the best answer for her – fully clothed, of course.
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