Dear Amy: I know I’ve seen discussions about whether or how to discuss a child’s adoption with the child, but what about a child conceived with a sperm donor?
My wife and I wanted children, and it turns out that I had fertility issues that prevented us from having a child. We opted for a sperm donor and recently welcomed a beautiful baby boy. We’re just wondering if, when and how to broach the subject with our son.
Any suggestions would be welcome. — Mark
Dear Mark: I believe in honesty and disclosure, but I also believe in telling children the facts of their own lives in a way that’s developmentally appropriate for them.
A child’s sexual education starts in toddlerhood (when he learns to name the parts of his body) and continues to the end of adolescence. Around age 7, you’ll explain how boys and girls are different and tell him the basics of human reproduction.
Kids love to hear their own unique birth story, and you can tell your son that you and his mom needed extra help to have a baby and so another man’s sperm was used with mom’s egg to make a baby — and that baby turned out to be him!
If you and your wife have another baby, you can explain the process to your son as your family experiences it.
Your son may have questions about this through his childhood. Make sure he can ask you anything and know he’ll receive an honest and thoughtful response.
The clinic that coordinated your sperm donation should have recommendations for how to handle this issue. You should inquire.
Dear Amy: I am the mother of a happy and healthy 1-year-old bundle of joy.
My husband is a very successful businessman. After the baby goes to sleep, I work as a lawyer to support all of our daily expenses: insurance, food, everything for the baby, etc.
We live below our means, have never had any debt and my husband owns our home. I am blessed to be a stay-at- home mom and a career woman and feel like I do a good job with both.
However, I am not doing a good job as a wife. No matter what I do, my husband can see no good in me. I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and child-minding.
I hired a nanny for a few hours a week so I could get out to the hairdressers and gym and stay well-groomed and in shape. However, he insists on calling me fat, stupid and lazy and complains about the tiniest things.
What am I doing wrong? What can I do differently? — At a Loss
Dear Loss: You are worried about your deficits as a wife, but I am worried about your husband’s deficits as a husband and as a person.
The only thing you need to do differently is to face the fact that your husband is being abusive. Rather than turn yourself inside out figuring out how to do everything to perfection and also please your husband, you should start to focus on what you are going to do if your husband’s behavior doesn’t change considerably.
This treatment will wear you down. It will affect your child. No child should witness this treatment.
Advocate for yourself and your child, and ask yourself some very tough questions about your marriage. A counselor will help you sort this out. You and your husband should go together — but if he won’t participate, go on your own.
Dear Amy: “Disappointed in Denver,” a man in a same-sex marriage, is still looking for “validation” from the “straight” world.
Hey, Disappointed, you gotta have the courage of your convictions — if you think you’re married, and the law agrees, then everything else is just peanut shells on the floor (noisy but harmless).
Save your “worry” for the things you can actually do something about. — JB
Dear JB: I completely agree.
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